Disclaimer: as I attempt to put my thoughts into words, this will probably turn into a rambling of words, that I hope at the end will make sense. And at times it may be gutwrechingly honest. Enjoy the ride!
It's not atypical that my day starts at 4:45 am as I head out the door to run, and wraps up around 9pm, as I walk in the door from a meeting after work. I have given myself the title of professional volunteer. Before I go any further, let me clarify...I am NOT saying, and I do not want this post to sound like I am saying, that I don't enjoy serving on the boards, for the organizations that I do; but I am overwhelmed. Not happy with how I am spending my time. I have been talking A LOT about guarding my time, and really reflecting on how & where I spend it. I only have 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year...and let me tell you, those hours, days, weeks, and months are jammed pack.
I NEED TO GUARD MY TIME AND SET BOUNDARIES
I think I have always determined how I serve my time based on the end result. If an organization/non-profit serves a mission I believe in, then count me IN! But recently, I have become aware that the journey, to that end result, is not always fulfilling and a wise use of my limited & valuable time. As a group of people come together to serve the same purpose, it doesn't guarantee that all of those individuals share the same goals, values, morals, work ethics etc. I need to start guarding not only how I spend my time, but who I spend my time with. There are so many worthy causes to give to, and I need to choose wisely, so that both the day-to-day involvement and mission are a positive influence on & use of my time. And what works for me, might not work for someone else, and vice versa.
I believe the environments in which we immerse ourselves in have such an impact on us, whether we see it or not. And unfortunately, some of those environments are toxic. I DO NOT, in any form, want to come across as judgmental, but I need to avoid what I feel are toxic environments FOR ME! I have my own morals and values, and that is what I need to protect, guard and respect
SO THE RAMBLING CONTINUES...
Earlier this month at FIGHT NIGHT Lindsey talked about how as Christians we often hide behind good things to avoid exposing our brokenness. We hide behind the words "I'll pray for you" to avoid laking a leap of faith, into what could quite possibly be an uncomfortable, unknown & scary place. We hide behind good deeds to avoid exposing the pain, heartache, and imperfections of our lives. We hide from things that need to be exposed to God.
We hide behind a busy schedule to avoid the fear of being lonely. To appear as if we have it all together. To cover up our insecurities. To avoid the fear of letting others down or causing disappointment. THAT'S ME!
WHAT PARTS OF YOUR PAST OR BROKENNESS HAVE YOU BEEN EITHER IGNORING OR HIDING THAT NEED TO BE EXPOSED TO GOD?
As I listened to Lindsey speak, after reflecting on how & where I spend my time, I realized I am hiding behind a busy schedule. I genuinely enjoy volunteering and serving, but its reached a point that it's now my hiding place. I am hiding from the fear of being lonely, facing insecurities, rejection, disappointing/letting others down. I need to regain a healthy balance. I need to say NO.
My time is valuable. I am worthy of guarding and spending it wisely.
It's OK for me to do things for ME.
Lindsey then asked us, "How does it make you feel to know that God is right behind you, not only giving you permission to move forward but also cheering you on?"
OK WAIT, SOAK THAT IN...
I'm talking to YOU lady...he spoke you into being, he formed you with his hands, he created you specifically for something ONLY YOU can do...and he believes in you more than anyone!! Soak that in for a second.
SO, IF I COULD DO ANYTHING WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I would join the worship team at church. I can't sing, but I would love to strum my guitar up there.
I would be a "pro" at Dancing With The Rogue Valley Stars next year.
A little bigger...
I would return to Africa and spend time in the bush. My time there blessed my socks off and left such a lasting mark on my heart. I have a passion and deep desire to go back. And Lord willing, maybe someday bring home a child.
And even bigger..
I am not sure. Or I am not sure exactly what it would look like. Or perhaps I'm just not ready to share.
But what I do know, is that I am ready to come out from HIDING behind good deeds, serving, giving, etc to SEEK exactly what it is that God created specifically for me to do.